Friday, March 30, 2012

Girl Advice

I read everyone's advice about women yesterday. Now I admit I am no professor at this whole getting laid thing but I had some serious questions about both postings. Being an engineer I decided I would try them out.

First up is Gary's advice. Now, no offense bro, but I think he gets laid about as much as I do.. perhaps less.. so taking his advice could be kind of sketchy. However I am willing to consider the fact he may have been a playah in his day. I ran his advice through my engineering mind and came up with the distilled approach:

Go up to a chick in a bar and say "Hey bitch, I want to lick your cunt".. and if that does not work pull her hair and run. I know at least part of this did not work for me in grade school. Sally was pretty fast on that playground and she kicked the shit out of me. I am willing to give this a try though.

Now Josie said the following "Like catching her eye and holding it". "say her scent drives you crazy", "tell her you want her badly". I think I can do that. So I went outside my building after work. It was just getting dark. I went up to a woman and told her "you smell good and I want you", I then looked at her trying to make eye contact. She looked back which was a sign that she liked me according to Josie!! She started walking a little faster. I kept looking at her. I kind of enjoyed this mating ritual. It was kind of tricky keeping up with her when she kept trying to duck into alleys and stuff. Eventually we ended up in the police station. This almost lead to another kind of date which was a lot less desirable.

I think her advice for the girls was kind of off too. Guys are visual. Always look your best. Nononono. We do not care if you put on that scarf from Macy's or what not.. you can skip a shower for a week and we will STILL pay you attention. All you need to do is flash a little cleavage and flirt a bit.

Never EVER chase a man? Shit the easiest way to get laid is walk into a bar, pick a dude, and then grab his cock. You will be in the alley getting laid before you know what's going on. Such shoddy advice Josie!

As for her fifth item.. Do not work so hard. Just tell him his bulge is HUGE. No guy is going to think he has a tiny cock. So just hit him where it counts. Seriously all you need to do as a woman to pickup a guy is... be a woman. I was going to say be breathing.. but for some guys that is optional too. Peace!

12 Comments:

Blogger Carmel said...

You made me laugh so hard, my co-workers think I'm nuts.
I'm working on my response to Josie's post!

10:11 AM

 
Blogger lightning36 said...

Waffles is back! Excellent post, sir.

10:47 AM

 
Blogger VinNay said...

Gary's advice is stupid. Women don't like jerks, they like confidence. Men with low self esteem don't understand the difference though.

12:21 PM

 
Blogger Gary said...

Wow - where to begin? First: Waffles, you have no idea the quality of woman I'm equipped to pull down. The reason, actually, is not because I act like a jerk; that's advice for people who need advice on getting a girl who can't do it already. My own rap was more like Vinnay's than mine, actually, which is why I am prepared to forgive him for calling my advice stupid, provided that he knows that I am rubber, he is glue, etc. etc. etc.

I always pulled in over my head because 1) I'm smart but not obnoxious about it with the ladies; 2) girls eat and drink confidence like it's pudding and chocolate milk; 3) I've fallen pretty hard for most of the girls I've ever been with; even though sometimes it didn't blossom into love, they always got my heart, and 4) I am a funny, funny guy one-on-one. I make them laugh in a smart way and engage them in the process.

Finally, Waffles, you need to make a distinction between ATTENTION and STALKING, which I happen to know is illegal in Massachusetts.

12:56 PM

 
Blogger SirFWALGMan said...

Now now Gary I never implied you were lacking in the *cough* equipment *cough* area... I was more getting at the fact that you are taken already.

3:29 PM

 
Blogger Carmel said...

Gary, sounds dreamy!

4:28 PM

 
Blogger Gary said...

Waffles, as for my equipment, as I wrote on my very first post referring to my little league career, "I choose to see the cup as being half-full. Which, given the fact that I was 11 and Jewish, was more or less true."

5:16 PM

 
Blogger Gary said...

And Carmel, please rest assured, I am one dreamy cat. Especially if you like your men hirsute, paunchy and married.

Oh, and Waffles, I've never gone up to a woman and asked to eat her snapper. I have, however, asked plenty of women things like "How would you like to make a very bad decision regarding me and a hotel room?" and my very favorite line, "How would you like to have a mediocre sexual experience this evening?" Remember: funny is everything.

5:24 PM

 
Blogger Josie said...

Puhlease you love my advice! Only reason that coworker agreed to drinks with you is cuz of my awesome advice. I talked you thru the whole thing.

6:16 PM

 
Blogger grrouchie said...

I tried to get into a 3-some by offering to disappoint two chicks at once

10:14 PM

 
Blogger Carmel said...

I offered you a threesome once, you declined, therefore you must be gay :)

7:00 AM

 
Blogger Carmel said...

(Josie add that to the LIST)

7:01 AM

 

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