Friday, November 13, 2009

Holy Snubbed Batman!

Did Dr. Pauly drop his post about my questions? I see this in my RSS Reader. He even sent a link in the comments. However when I go to his site nothing. I think I have been snubbed. I mean was he like "Holy shit what did I do while hopped up on painkillers last night? Stupid fucking Waffles".

Reader Mail: Waffles, the Vegas Trip, and Hooters

By Pauly
Las Vegas, NV

Real readers. Real questions.

I was going to leave this in the comments section of Waffles' recent blog post, but I figured that I would post it here. The information provided might be of help to some of you some day.

Dear Dr. Pauly,

I need your advice desperately. If I stay at the Hooters Hotel in Las Vegas will I have any of the following problems:

1. Catch weird disease from the sheets
2. Get eaten by mutant cockroaches
3. Get Shot to death in the parking lot
4. Get Gang raped by a bunch of tweakers
5. Anything my lilly white Ass would not like.

Any advice would be appreciated.

You Bestest Fan Ever,
Waffles


And without further ado, here are my answers...

Waffles,

Thanks for taking the time out of busy schedule to write me. I'm pleased to hear that the Psychiatric Ward at St. Eligius allows in-patients unfettered access to email. By the way, if you can swipe any extra Klonapin or other anti-psychotic drugs for me I will be gratefully indebted to you. Those suckers sell at a premium in the parking lot of Phish concerts.

Anyway, I can tell by the tone of your email that you are concerned about many bad things happening to you in Las Vegas. Let me set the record straight... only bad things happen to bad people. Which is an Eastern way of saying, "You're totally fucked." Maybe you would rather spend the weekend at Foxwoods instead?

So let's start from the top with question #1 about staying at Hooters. You wrote, "Will I Catch weird disease from the sheets?"

Of course you will. Hooters is an off-the strip property which means they actually clean the sheets once a month. My advice is to sleep in your clothes. And never, for the love of god, never ever touch the bedspreads. That's where hookers fuck their johns and those NEVER GET WASHED.

Onto question #2. You wrote "Will I get eaten by mutant cockroaches?"

Vegas does not have mutant roaches. I'd be more worried about the mutant scorpions. They only attack smaller humans, so you're pretty much screwed.

Onto Question #3, "Will I get Shot to death in the parking lot?"

This has a 6% probability only because most of the gangs conduct drive-bys in North Las Vegas. They rarely target tourists on the Strip. However, you might want to purchase a side arm. If someone starts a ruckus, light 'em up.

Onto Question #4, "Will I get Gang raped by a bunch of tweakers?"

Tweakers don't gang rape. Addicts in the middle of hits of crystal meth are less interested in deviant sexual acts and more interested in finding a way to get more drugs. Tweakers might steal all of your clothes, but I'm pretty sure that you will not be violated as long as you comply with their wishes and hand over all of your drugs and money. Most of them will leave you alone. If you do get gang raped it will be by a gang of angry gangbangers because you said something completely retarded to them. Remember that Las Vegas is real life and nothing like the intertubes, blog posts, social media networks, or online poker chat boxes where you can act like a total jackoff and get away with it. In real life, no one likes an asshole. You will get beat down if you act like a punk.

And lastly, question #5, "Anything my lilly white Ass would not like?"

I don't think you will like the cowboys in town for the rodeo finals. There will be hundreds, if not thousands of them, roaming around like lost cattle. Cowboys don't like Northerners especially flaming liberals from Ted Kennedy's home state. Just tell them you're from Idaho and you'll fit in nicely.

I also think that you might be freaked out by the porn slappers on the Strip. Don't be intimated by the illegal Mexicans handing out business cards of prostitutes. They should be considered your friends and can totally introduce you to some nice women who like to eat Italian food, watch reality TV shows, and will do naughty things similar some of your favorite scenes from She Male Samba Mania Vol. 7. By the way, ask the local tranny prostitutes if you can get rake back. They'll give you a freebie if you find them steady work.

OK, I think that's it for now. Did I answer all of your questions properly? See you in Vegas.

Cheers,
Pauly


Original content written and provided by Pauly from Tao of Poker at www.taopoker.com. All rights reserved. RSS feeds are for non-commercial use only.

My response to his Post also --

Thank you Dr. Pauly. I knew you would have the lowdown on the Vegas scene. My single (I AM FUCKING SINGLE IT DOES NOT MATTER IF I LIVE WITH HER AND HAVE NOT FILED THE PAPERS YET AND SHE TAKES ALL MY MONEY I AM! I AM! I AM!!!!), Lilly, white ass will be flying in on Friday night as usual.. although I have attempted to make it in by 7-8 instead of my usual 12AM time. It will be good to see you hurry by surrounded by a crowd of groupies. I still remember the time you brushed past me a few years ago, I still have not washed that hand.

7 Comments:

Blogger DuggleBogey said...

Maybe he didn't realize that you had been to Vegas before, and it seemed like he tailored his response to a first time Vegas visitor.

I think it was hilarious anyway, he should leave it up.

9:05 AM

 
Blogger TraumaPoker said...

I was shooting craps at Hooters during the 07 blogger gathering. A fight started at the other table when a man went to lift up his hooded sweatshirt, I was positive he was reaching for a gun and went for cover under my craps table. It turned out he was removing his sweatshirt so he could fight better. It's a dive but the comps pretty amazing, I opened up a small ($1000) credit line there and probably played thru 3-4K in craps if I was lucky while I was there and the comp'd room, all meals at Dan Marino's steak house. It's not Ruth Chris but watevha!! It was free food!!

9:40 AM

 
Blogger TraumaPoker said...

Random brag when I went out for the 2008 Super Bowl weekend I had 1 night in Hooters and 3 nights in Palazo because they wouldn't comp me 4, assholes! Anyway I land at like 11P thanks to a late flight and want to gamble a little before going to bed since my buddies flight doesn't land until the next day. I walk up to craps table and put $100 on each hard way in the middle of a point, shooter goes hard 4, hard 8, hard 8, crap and I net $2100 in 3 rolls and the $5 degen Hooter craps players lose all their come bets and blame me for putting a hex on the table.

9:47 AM

 
Blogger SirFWALGMan said...

If you lose so much money Hotels comp you all the time is that break even?

11:29 AM

 
Blogger BLAARGH! said...

That's one of the best Pauly posts ever, no reason to take it down... it's in my RSS even though he deleted it.

verification: bimpussi (heheheheheh)

3:12 PM

 
Blogger Dr. Pauly said...

I have the post saved it draft mode. It will go up next week.

Waffles got bumped by breaking industry news... "Pollack Out as WSOP Commish"

I didn't want Waffles to get second billing, so I'm going to wait for a better day where he can get the spotlight all to himself.

9:07 PM

 
Blogger The Wife said...

Awesome post, in advance.

8:15 AM

 

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