I really appreciate all of the comments even if I am not willing to quit yet. Call it stubbornness. Stupidity? I dunno. It was not exactly that I thought blackjack was a better way to make money. I think this is important to say. Sometimes I ABSOLUTELY let the gambling take over and just can not stop myself. Yes. That is an addictive trait. I admit it. It scares me sometimes. Losing control is never fun. It is so easy to hit that button one more time online too. Thankfully most of the times I spend gambling I am not like that even if it might appear that way here.
The blackjack thing was interesting. I sort of just was tooling around, having fun, playing a game that is fun. I know it is –EV. So what. I was enjoying myself making some $1 bets. No harm in that. Then I kind of made a few $25 bets. Then I was like “oh oh, I lost a hundred or so..” so then I put a hundred down to try and make it back… same old pattern for sure!
Anyway.. There are a lot of things I get out of gambling that are well worth it. The best thing is probably the people. I have met some really nice people, which probably would surprise the casual outsider. I regularly socialize via IM and different events with some really interesting people.
Poker also reveals a lot of bad personality traits, like lack of discipline, which hopefully I can overcome with some practice. It is one of those things where other parts of my life will need to change in order to see differences in not only my game but everything I complain about. I actually am surprised I went a year with some pretty good discipline. If you read back through the early days you can see it unraveling at points but for the most part I was doing well.
It also handles the need to relieve stress from my life. Man do I have a lot of that! Escaping is a definite coping mechanism, but what the hell else do you want me to do? If it was not Poker it would be some other game or work. At least I have to talk to people this way.
In a good way I understand my weaknesses and can live with them. In a real way that is why I keep my bank account and bankroll so separated in my mind and in the physical world. If I lose my bankroll it is real money but only impacts me for $50 or less. The latest fiasco cost me exactly nothing except time doing something I enjoy anyway. As a matter of fact the costs for my whole adventure so far have been $600 over a two year period. Usually when I get up a little I will cash out whatever I had put in. So in a real way it has had no negative impact on me financially. Basically less than 8 hours of real-world work over almost a two year period. I am sure MANY people can not say the same.
So I am here to stay for a while. Amusing some. Annoying others. Back to grinding out the little levels. I actually do much better with a small bankroll because I hate to buy back in too quickly. I truly do appreciate all of your comments. Especially Al and DA who I hardly ever get to socialize with anymore. (All you other guys saying “What about me!!”, I appreciate you too, but you post comments all the time, so I take you for granted.) As long as I am having fun and not bankrupting myself I see no reason to quit.